Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that aims to make the victim doubt their own memory, perceptions, and sanity.
This insidious tactic often involves the gaslighter denying events, twisting facts, or dismissing the victim’s feelings and experiences, ultimately leading to a distorted sense of reality.
It can occur in various settings, including personal relationships, work environments, and even on a societal level, where misinformation and propaganda can manipulate public perception.
The effects of gaslighting can be profound and long-lasting, severely impacting the victim’s mental health and well-being. Individuals who experience gaslighting may suffer from anxiety, depression, and a diminished sense of self-worth.
They might become overly dependent on the gaslighter for validation, which further entrenches the cycle of manipulation.
Let’s delve deeper into what gaslighting entails and uncover 26 symptoms you may not be aware of.
Understanding these signs can empower individuals to recognize and resist this harmful behavior, fostering healthier relationships and environments.
Gaslighting Definition
Gaslighting, as defined by Wiki, is a psychological manipulation tactic aimed at making individuals or groups doubt their memory, perception, or sanity.
This is achieved through denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, with the goal of destabilizing and delegitimizing the victim’s beliefs.
Gaslighting can be employed by anyone—teachers, bosses, lawyers, parents, siblings, cult leaders, dictators, and romantic partners, with a focus here on the latter.
Gaslighting Movie
The term “gaslighting” originates from the 1938 play “Gaslight” that was released as a film in the 1940’s.
This wicked story portrays a husband who will do anything to protect a secret, even if that means committing his wife to a mental institution.
So, he systematically brainwashes her until she believes she is delusional and questions her own reality.
One gaslighting technique he uses is to dim the gas lights, which she notices and he tells her she is going mad and it is not happening.
She starts to feel she is losing a grip on reality.
You are going to see this term a lot if you are researching emotional, financial, psychological or narcissistic abuse because it’s a narcissistic manipulator’s favorite tool.
It’s highly effective at destroying someone’s self worth, inner power, and sense of reality while deflecting any responsibility on the abuser.
This gives the narcissists the one thing they want the most over their victim….. control.
Overt
Gaslighting can manifest differently depending on the abuser. Overt narcissists are the familiar type of abusers, often seen boasting about their achievements and claiming superiority over others.
They tend to demean anyone who isn’t them.
Their abusive behavior is not concealed, and they are often perceived as bullies. Being overt and explicit, they are generally easy to identify.
Covert Narcissists
Covert gaslighters pose a significant danger due to their ability to mask their abuse. Their manipulation often goes unnoticed by others and even by their victims.
These individuals excel in concealing their harmful actions.
Over time, their victims may appear unstable or irrational, while the abuser seems like a misunderstood victim unfairly cast as the villain.
They drop subtle, seemingly unintentional hints of abuse designed to confuse, but their actions are meticulously calculated.
26 Signs of Gaslighting Abuse
Gaslighting develops gradually. Initially, the controlling partner may subtly introduce it into conversations early in the relationship while getting to know you.
Over time, it intensifies, similar to other forms of abuse. I will explore some common thoughts and feelings you might experience, many of which I have personally identified with.
Symptoms: Thoughts & Feelings
- Confused and feeling like you are going crazy
- Feeling of doubtfulness
- Questioning your own reality
- Feel like a failure or disappointment
- You start making excuses for their behavior
- You are tense around them and may not understand why
- Attacked or outburst over minor matters
- Asking yourself “Am I being too emotional or sensitive?”
- Asking yourself “Am I asking/expecting too much?”
- You are constantly apologizing
- You don’t understand why they are upset much of the time
- Your intuition is telling you something is off but you can’t identify it
- You may lie to avoid put-downs or them twistings things
- You have trouble making simple decisions
- Second-guess your decisions
- Nothing you do is good enough for them
- You have stopped doing things you love
- You distance yourself from people, events, and places you once enjoyed
- Your self-esteem has hit rock bottom
- You feel they don’t support you
- You are focused on your flaws more than ever
- You don’t know who to trust and often turn to the gaslighter for answers
- You start withholding from family and loved ones so you don’t have to explain or feel ashamed
- You Feel like your feelings or pain doesn’t really matter and maybe you are over sensitive
- You find yourself writing long emails and letters to try to get them to fully hear you out
- You are disconnected and different from the person you were before the relationship
The last point truly resonates with me and is worth contemplating if you suspect you’re being gaslighted. By the end of a relationship with a gaslighting narcissist, you can change significantly.
Close family and friends may even noticed the difference and point it out. What do you tell them? Really think about that reply.
How Do You Know If It’s Really Gaslighting?
This is an important question because terms can sometimes be overused or misunderstood. Disagreement between two people doesn’t necessarily mean one is gaslighting the other.
While everyone has their own perception of events, there’s a distinct difference between personal viewpoints and emotional manipulation.
Gaslighting is unique in that only one party is genuinely interested in resolving the issue or reaching an understanding.
The victim listens empathetically and seeks to comprehend the other person’s perspective while expressing their own in hopes of finding a solution.
Meanwhile, the gaslighter avoids responsibility, makes confusing statements, insists that the victim is wrong and overly emotional, and dismisses their thoughts as unimportant. Their goal is to leave you bewildered and running in circles.
In healthy relationships, it’s normal to disagree and hold individual opinions on various topics, events, and values.
However, if the feelings and thoughts mentioned resonate strongly with you, you may be experiencing gaslighting.
Let’s explore into the techniques and examples of gaslighting behavior for further clarity.
Gaslighting Techniques & Examples
- Lying – Just about everything revolves around a lie with a narcissist. You can even have proof and they will lie with a straight face. “She just wants to cause problems cause she wants me, I never did that””I never even talked to her”
- Partial Truths – There is an element of truth wrapped with lies. They can insert something they know you believe to be true or appear to be taking responsibility so their lie seems more believable. “I know I cheated, I feel horrible for it, but I tried everything to make it work and she is going out of her mind. Comes by my work, calls and text and accuses me”In reality, they may have cheated many times, one being last week with a girl from work when they went missing for hours and you text them asking when they would be home. You are now viewed as the crazy one that is not trying to make the relationship work and you just can’t get over his past mistake even though he is trying to be a good guy.
- Repetitive Falsehoods – Repeating lies frequently to reinforce them as truth and override existing perceptions.”Look how well I treat you. Look at all I do for you””I seen you flirt with that guy, it’s obvious to everyone””I told you I was at work, stop accusing me every time I walk in the door”
- Countering – Vehemently question your memory even though you know you have remembered it correctly and fight to understand how they don’t. “That’s not how it happened at all, it’s crazy how you see things””Remember the last time you were wrong about what you THOUGHT you remembered?””Obviously you never loved or believed in me if you think like that””You are so negative in your thinking”
- Trivializing – Minimizing, Invalidating and shaming you for how you think and feel to make you doubt your truth.”Listen to yourself, you are not okay””I don’t know why you are making a big deal over this””You just can’t get over the past” (even though it was never resolved)”Why are you being so sensitive””That is not abusive, you are trying to make me look bad””You are going to let something that small come between us?”
- Denial – Refusing to acknowledge your feelings or thoughts. Sometimes by being silent and not responding and other times with blatant denial even with concrete evidence.”I never said that””I’m not sure how you see it that way, but I never cheated””You must be remembering it wrong”
- Faking Compassion – Using their mask to appear as if you have it all wrong and they really have your best interest at heart”No Baby, I did that to protect you.”
- Reframing – Twisting what you said, even if subtle, to suit their favor
- Circled Conversations – Nothing is ever resolved, they just keep running the conversation into circles. I’ve spent hours and hours without the one single problem getting resolved.
- Words & Actions Not Aligned – Even when you believe them, their actions are not aligning with their words. They may tell you they love you, but are cheating on you the next day and not taking any responsibility for it.
- Love & Hate Rollercoaster – One day/hour/min they love you and you are the best thing that happened to them and the next they can’t stand you. They have this look in their eyes that tells you they have such a hate for you.
- Discrediting Your Character – Gossip behind your back and make people believe you are unstable, irrational, crazy. Everything they are doing they are projecting onto you.
- Projection – The gaslighter diverts their actions back to the victim, refusing to validate the victims claims. This could be cheating, starting fights/drama, acting crazy.”You just love drama, it’s always around you.” Even though they may have been the one to start the conversation AND the drama.”You just can’t let it go” Could have been something you have caught the in a lie many times, even recently but they want to avoid taking any real responsibility.
- Intermittent Reinforcement – They may bring you up by praising for something they admire or you did well, just so they slam you back down. This makes you question if they are really bad, because there are good aspects of their actions.
- Indirect Criticism – Compliments wrapped with insults. They cleverly make you feel insecure and question yourself.”I’ve seen you as pretty as those girls before””You are almost as thin as Sally was after having her baby””I know if you had more time, you would have done a better job” When the job you did looks fine, maybe even great.
- Selfish Praise – They will praise you for something but only because it benefits them. “You really did a great job with this dinner””I’m so glad you stood up for me”
- Blocking – Changing the subject to divert from taking responsibility or answering a question.You ask “Did you cheat on me?” They ask “How many times have I caught you with talking to other men?”
- Diverting – Questioning the validity of your thoughts”I didn’t say this Thursday, I said next Thursday””I never said I like pineapples” (when they told you they loved them)
- Pretend Forgetting – Pretending they forget things that occured.”I never said I would pay for all of these things you just bought””I don’t remember it like that at all””I never said that”
- Toxic Amnesia – Deliberately forgetting hurtful behaviors, verbal abuse and betrayals they’ve engaged in.
- Stonewalling – Deliberately refusing to communicate or cooperate while continuing to listen to your concerns. This can be a subtle form of manipulation and often used by coverts.
- Withholding – Pretend they have no idea what you are saying and it’s hard to understand.
How To Deal With Gaslighting
First rule: you don’t. By this, I mean you won’t persuade a gaslighter or narcissist to see things your way. They gaslight to shirk responsibility and manipulate your mind, gaining power over you. Simply confronting them won’t make them stop.
DO NOT tell them you’ve uncovered their tactics; this will only escalate the gaslighting as they refine their methods, potentially intensifying the abuse. If they haven’t already, they may enlist “flying monkeys” to exert further control, sensing you’re starting to catch on.
When a victim of gaslighting is already questioning their own reality and thoughts, the gaslighter getting better at gaslighting does not help the situation and usually victims will stay longer while they try to figure things out.
They simply refuse to see your perspective and even if they do, they won’t take responsibility; it’s all part of their manipulation.
Stop seeking answers, validation, closure, or acceptance from a gaslighting narcissist. This only hinders your healing, as it focuses your energy on what you cannot control or change, especially with someone unwilling to change.
Don’t let them have control over you; they are indifferent to your healing and may even prefer you remain weakened, despite discarding you.
In healthy relationships, issues are discussed and resolved, but this is an emotionally abusive one.
A crucial question to ask yourself is,
“Are they genuinely listening and trying to resolve the problem, or are they just making excuses and creating confusion?
Do their actions align with their words?”
Consider writing a list to gain clarity on their behavior.
Game Over: Shut It Down
- Avoid Engagement: When someone attempts to gaslight you, refrain from engaging or seeking clarification from them. Their goal is to keep you confused.
- Keep a Journal: Document your thoughts and experiences for your own clarity. This practice helps combat self-doubt. Ensure your journal remains private and inaccessible to others.
- Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with supportive individuals. While friends and family may have the best intentions, they may not fully comprehend the complexities of narcissistic abuse and could unintentionally offer confusing or harmful advice. Rely on them for love and support, but reserve detailed discussions for a professional therapist or coach.
- Seek Specialized Therapy: Not all therapists are versed in narcissistic abuse. Find one who understands gaslighting, Cluster B personality disorders, and C/PTSD to ensure effective therapy.
- Consider Recovery & Life Coaching: Engaging with a coach can be a valuable component of healing. Many coaches are themselves survivors, enabling them to empathize and validate your experiences. They can help strategize your next steps and offer support throughout your healing journey and personal growth.
Final Thoughts
It’s important to remember that the end goal is not to change or “fix” the gaslighter, but rather to prioritize your well-being and protect yourself from further harm.
By recognizing the red flags and taking steps towards healing, you are taking back control of your life and breaking free from toxic cycles.
Remember that you deserve love, respect, and validation, and do not let anyone make you believe otherwise.
Stay strong and keep moving forward on your journey towards healing.
