I get asked “Can a narcissist change?” a lot from my coaching clients. By the time they are asking this, they are usually facing a challenging decision in their relationship.
The narcissist sounds genuine in their proclaims to save the relationship and those who love them often grasp at any sign of hope. I know this feeling all too well.
While it is theoretically possible for a narcissist to change, significant and lasting change is rare.
In this post we’ll hear insights from a therapist experienced in working with individuals with NPD and those in relationships with them, along with perspectives from two individuals who claim to have been diagnosed with NPD and are self aware and going to therapy.
Narcissism On A Spectrum
It’s important that we consider the narcissism spectrum in answering this question.
Narcissism lives on a spectrum, ranging from individuals exhibiting narcissistic traits to those diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
Individuals with milder narcissistic traits might be more capable of personal growth and change, especially if they are receptive to self-reflection, therapy, and committed to positive behavioral changes.
Addiction
Many narcissists often face co-occurring disorders or addictions, meaning they grapple with multiple challenges simultaneously.
This complexity can hinder their ability to effectively address and transform their narcissistic behaviors.
Usually, overcoming any addictions will need to take precedence.
Addicts and narcissists often share a relentless drive to escape reality, and these traits can coexist in the same individual.
The overlapping behaviors between addiction and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can make differentiation challenging, even for professionals.
This complexity means individuals need to be sober for an extended period before addressing any potential personality disorder.
Distinguishing between the two can be difficult unless there are pronounced patterns of violence, control, and cruelty.
Another distinguishing factor is empathy: while a non-narcissist addict may genuinely regret their actions despite continuing them to satisfy their addiction, a narcissist might lack this empathy.
Clinical Therapist Answers
Dr. Ramani, a clinical psychologist who works with both individuals with NPD and those affected by them, states she hasn’t observed any change.
She explains that while you can train a narcissist to modify their behavior, become slightly less abrasive, and show more empathy and attentiveness, the issue is they revert as soon as they encounter stress like a problem at work, the narcissist aging, or things just don’t go their way.
Narcissists don’t tend to retain growth.
She questions why they would change any more than we could alter our fundamental nature—an introvert, for example, cannot simply become an extrovert by choice.
Dr. Ramani suggests we should eliminate the diagnosis, as it has muddied the waters.
She argues that many who believe a narcissist can change often are speaking about minor adjustments, that don’t last longterm, and they also fail to consider the experiences of those close to them.
Responses from Self-Aware Narcissists
Ben Taylor acknowledges his self-awareness as a diagnosed narcissist, admitting to having been mentally and emotionally abusive to others.
Initially, he believed there was nothing wrong with him, considering himself perfect.
He notes that many narcissists are aware of their behavior but simply don’t care, which is why they conceal it.
Ben shares that his detrimental behavior led to the loss of his wife, prompting a challenging journey toward self-awareness. His wife has since given him another chance.
He asserts that genuine transformation requires honesty and truth, and a narcissist cannot change without these elements.
Ben advises his followers not to assume that the narcissist in their lives will change, as most won’t.
He emphasizes that if the narcissist isn’t honest, transparent, vulnerable, and demonstrating consistent personal growth, it’s time for you to leave the relationship.
Staying means being with someone who doesn’t care about themselves or you.
After Years Of Therapy
Lee Hammack shares that he was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder nearly six years ago and was recently re-diagnosed with NPD, general anxiety, and schizophrenia traits.
He says he’s been in therapy for about 5.5 years.
Lee notes that he has been able to alter his behaviors with age and therapy, but states “I’m still a narcissist.”
He has managed to adjust his behavior and repair his relationship with his wife, who, like Ben’s wife, was on the verge of divorce.
Although he was already on a self growth journey, he entered therapy and started a deeper and more painful journey.
He has currently repaired his relationship with his wife as well.
Lee says that most narcissists are unlikely to change because it is a painful process, and it is often easier to replace someone than to change for them.
He explains that some narcissists strive to present themselves as good people, making it extremely challenging to accept a diagnosis that suggests something is wrong with them.
Lee adds that narcissists are often rewarded for their behavior in society; people continue to forgive them, seek their company, and give them the attention they crave.
Consequently, they narcissist sees little reason to undergo the painful process of change because their current behavior is working for them.
What would it take for narcissists to change?
- Self-awareness: The disorder often prevents narcissists from engaging in deep introspection and recognizing the true impact they have on others around them. While gaining awareness of their behavior is a crucial first step, it alone is NOT sufficient for meaningful change. They need to delve deeper into understanding the nuanced ways their actions affect their relationships and environments.
- Therapy: Narcissists require lifelong therapy to navigate their complex behavioral patterns. Therapy provides a structured environment to explore their thoughts and behaviors. Part of this journey involves obtaining a diagnosis for a highly stigmatized disorder, which can be more than challenging, especially when they view themselves so highly or have mastered the art of manipulating others into believing they are something they are not. Therapy can help break through these barriers and offer a path toward improvement.
- Motivation: Change must be driven by self-motivation for it to be effective and lasting. Narcissists need to find genuine reasons within themselves to pursue change, rather than doing it solely to appease or please someone else. Without this internal motivation, any efforts toward transformation may be short-lived and lack substance.
- Honesty: Narcissists often find it easier to lie than to be truthful, both to themselves and to others. They must commit to cultivating a habit of honesty, which requires them to confront uncomfortable truths and take responsibility for their words and actions.
- Relinquishing Control: Surrendering control is incredibly difficult for narcissists, as they are accustomed to having authority over every aspect of their lives.
- Accountability: It is likely the narcissist in your life has rarely taken true accountability for their behaviors. Moving beyond mere slaps on the wrist, similar to a child being mildly reprimanded, they must understand that there are real consequences to their actions and be held to them. Embracing accountability means recognizing their mistakes and actively working to correct them, which is a significant step toward personal and relational growth.
Motivation To Enter Therapy
Engaging in therapy can yield numerous benefits for individuals with NPD, such as fostering improved relationships, enhancing self-awareness, and developing effective coping strategies.
Therapy also provides a safe environment to delve into underlying issues contributing to NPD symptoms, including childhood experiences or trauma.
Nonetheless, motivation is crucial for entering therapy, and often, narcissists are not initially driven by a desire for personal improvement. Motivation typically stems from external factors, such as:
- workplace difficulties
- relationship issues or ultimatums from a romantic partner
- being abused themselves
- family conflicts
- heightened anxiety or depression
- substance abuse
If they are motivated by doing it only for someone else, instead of self improvement, the changes one MAY see are likely to be temporary.
Narcissists in Therapy
Although narcissistic traits are inherent, individuals with narcissistic tendencies can strive for better self-awareness and management through therapy.
However, it is exceedingly rare for narcissists to genuinely seek therapy or to remain engaged long enough to achieve lasting behavioral change.
Many experts who work with narcissists assert that significant change is improbable. Some therapists even choose not to treat narcissists due to the high effort required for minimal progress.
In therapy, narcissists often focus not on true transformation but on gaining another enabler, maintaining a source of supply, or adjusting their persona to match their desired self-image.
Therapy often becomes a stage for them to manipulate and charm, sometimes leading therapists to inadvertently support their narratives and further damage those around them.
Those in long-term relationships with narcissists often report that, despite numerous attempts at resolution—be it through forgiveness, therapy, or other means—the narcissist eventually reverts to old behaviors.
On rare occasions, a narcissist may enter therapy to learn to manage their disorder and behaviors to maintain career benefits, relationships, or other personal advantages.
This pursuit is not motivated by newfound empathy or remorse but by a self-interested desire to preserve their benefits.
Side note: Numerous victims of narcissistic abuse report that their couples therapist sided with the narcissist, effectively becoming an enabler focused on what the victim needed to change. This experience has left many victims traumatized by both couples and individual therapists. Therefore, it is crucial to find a therapist who is appropriately suited to your situation.
Changing Supply Sources
They are more inclined to change their supply sources or acquire additional ones rather than invest effort into altering their behaviors. In their eyes, you are the problem, not them.
It’s far easier for them to replace a relationship than to engage in the challenging process of self-awareness and behavior modification.
Individuals who enable them, hold their tongue, or are manipulated by them, make excellent sources of supply and require less of their energy.
However, if they perceive you as an irreplaceable supply source, they may be the unicorn narcissist that is willing to put in the hard work and sit through the pain of self awareness and changing their behaviors.
When Narcissists Manipulate Change
When a narcissist perceives you’re about to leave, they often resort to love bombing and manipulative tactics to draw you back in.
They exploit your belief in their capacity for change and your tendency to see the good in them.
They prey on your resistance to accept that not everyone views the world, relationships, or life through the same lens.
They manipulate your love and emotions.
Through deceit, persuasive lies, and intense love bombing, they can easily ensnare you again, perpetuating the cycle.
Rest assured, once they believe you’re under their influence again, the same behavior they claimed to change will resurface.
Lack of Empathy
A defining trait of narcissism is the absence of empathy, which often leads to numerous relationship complications.
It’s crucial to acknowledge that this lack of empathy stems from a physical difference in their brain; it’s not something you can love away.
Research shows that narcissists have structural abnormalities in the volume of gray matter related to empathy, alongside heightened activity in other key brain regions.
This deficiency in empathy can intensify traits such as exploitation and self-importance.
When discussing personality disorders, we are addressing one of the most resistant challenges to change. Although they cannot alter their inherent traits, modifying behaviors is more than challenging.
So, even with a desire to change behaviors (again, is extremely rare), it’s even rarer for them to make lasting changes.
Can Narcissists Change For The Right Woman or Man?
I believe that those questioning whether a narcissist can change for love are either in the early stages of their healing or trapped in a trauma bond. Once you’ve dedicated enough time to self-improvement, this question loses its relevance. Better questions may be:
Can they change for themselves? Genuine change must stem from an individual’s own desire for self-improvement. Attempting to change for someone else might lead to resentment or result in insincere, misguided efforts.
Are they prepared to commit to consistent effort and demonstrate ongoing growth? Short-term efforts will likely yield only temporary changes.
Are these changes sufficient for your happiness in a relationship? While they cannot alter their personality disorder, they can modify behaviors, showing more empathy and attentiveness. Will these changes be enough for YOU? And what happens when they are stressed? Do they revert back to old behaviors? Most likely they will.
Unhealthy Attachment Styles
If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist and find it difficult to let go, you might be experiencing a trauma bond or unhealthy attachment style formed during adolescence.
Many of us cling to these relationships, hoping for change because we’ve invested so much in trying to make them work.
However, due to their disorder, narcissists cannot offer a healthy, deep, and truly intimate relationship.
Such relationships often hit a ceiling, becoming stagnant or toxic.
These relationships are riddled with trust issues, heartbreak, and manipulation, which can be emotionally devastating.
Instead of fostering growth and deepening a healthy bond, partners become dependent on each other, expending all their energy merely surviving the relationship rather than building it.
Many victims mistake the intensity of a trauma bond for love.
These relationships start intensely passionate, resembling a soul mate connection, and feel amazing at first—but quickly turn into a tumultuous experience with extreme highs and lows.
As I always mention when someone asks this question, there can be a huge change, but it has to come from you, not the narcissist.
You must change!
When someone asks me “Can a narcissist change”, I gently tell them there can be HUGE change, but it has to come from you, not the narcissist.
Ouch! That doesn’t feel good, right. Why should you be the one to change when they’re the ones projecting their issues onto you, refusing to take accountability, and simply acting as a bully?
It’s not about fairness or what’s right; it’s about fully accepting the narcissist for who they are and the nature of their disorder.
You must also accept that you will need to change, whether you choose to stay or leave the relationship.
If you choose to stay, you’ll need to accept the disorder, adjust the relationship dynamics to make it work, likely without the narcissist’s participation, find external avenues to fulfill your healthy needs, and engage in therapy and coaching with professionals who understand narcissistic personality disorder.
It’s crucial to take care of yourself, though be aware that these changes may provoke the narcissist.
If you decide to leave, you’ll need a well-thought plan since the narcissist may react negatively and try to regain control.
If children are involved, a high-conflict coach is essential to navigate the complexities of family court. A coach can also guide you in building a support team, including an attorney and therapist, and to prepare for upcoming challenges.
Instead of trying to get the narcissist to change, you must empower yourself and focus on what you can change.
