Emotional abuse and narcissistic abuse are often mistakenly used interchangeably, but they have key differences that are important to understand (especially in your healing).
Many of the survivors that I have worked with believe that narcissistic abuse is simply emotional abuse by a narcissist. This is not true.
Narcissists often use emotional abuse as a tool for control, but it’s important to understand that not all emotional abuse comes from a narcissist.
This article is split into two key sections: an emotional abuse test and signs of narcissistic abuse. Be sure to cover both to help bring clarity to your experience.
Ready to dive deeper? Get your pen and paper out.
Emotional Abuse Quiz
The Emotional Abuse Test, created by experts Dr. Nel Jacobson and Dr. John Gottman, is designed to help you better understand emotional abuse in relationships. Simply answer each question using the provided options, tally up your score, and gain valuable insights. Let’s get started!
Choose one of the following answers for each question:
Never = 1 point
Rarely = 2 points
Occasionally = 4 points
Very Often = 5 points
27 Questions
- This person tries to catch you in inconsistencies to show you are lying.
- This person questions whether your love is true.
- This person tries to convince other people (could be your friends, family, their family, your coworkers, etc.) that you are crazy.
- This person drives recklessly or too fast when they are angry.
- This person tells other people that there is something wrong with you.
- This person makes you do degrading things.
- This person forces you to do things against your will.
- This person makes you worried when they are quiet.
- This person humiliates you in front of others.
- This person does things intentionally to scare you.
- This person says things that hurt you out of spite.
- This person warns you that if you keep doing something, violence will follow.
- This person has told you that you are sexually unattractive.
- This person has told you that you are sexually inadequate.
- This person insults your ethnic background.
- This person insults your family.
- This person threatens you physically during arguments.
- This person compares you unfavorably to other partners.
- This person talks you into doing things that make you feel bad afterwards.
- This person tells you no one else will ever want you.
- This person attacks your personality.
- This person tells other people your personal information or secrets about you.
- This person questions your sanity.
- Your arguments with this person often escalate out of control.
- This person ridicules you.
- This person has insulted you by telling you that you are incompetent (stupid).
- This person insults your religious background and beliefs.
Your Emotional Abuse Test Score
Add up the points for each question to get your total for the emotional abuse test.
73 – 94 points = You are being emotionally abused.
95 and higher = You are being severely abused (more than the average battered woman).
Narcissistic Abuse Signs
Narcissistic abuse is not simply emotional abuse, it’s more complex, and the damage is greater. Healing from such abuse often requires significantly more time due to the depth of the harm inflicted.
This phrase does not mean emotional abuse by a narcissist.
The term “narcissistic abuse,” introduced by Sam Vaknin, a diagnosed narcissist, defines a specific form of abusive behavior that goes beyond traditional emotional abuse. Unlike other types of abuse, narcissistic abuse is distinct in both its nature and the profound impact it has on its victims.
“Narcissistic abuse is pervasive,” Sam explains. “Narcissistic abuse was not like all other types of abuse. It differed from other types of abuse in its range, in its sophistication, in its duration, in its versatility, expressed and premeditated intention to negate and to vitiate the victim’s personal autonomy, agency, self-efficacy, and ultimately well-being.”
Victims of narcissistic abuse often experience higher levels of depression, anxiety, and confusion compared to those subjected to other forms of emotional abuse. They may also exhibit heightened aggression as a result of their trauma.
Unlike emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse effects every aspect of your life and takes much longer to work through in your healing.
Brainwashing And Reprogramming
Narcissistic abuse includes domestic violence, emotional and psychological abuse, as well as manipulative brainwashing. It deeply infiltrates the victim’s subconscious mind, gradually reprogramming their thoughts and perceptions.
Most people who experience narcissistic abuse would describe themselves as a shell of the person they use to be. They are like robots and are just moving through the motions of life but do not feel alive or conscious.
Narcissistic Abuse Impact On Victims
Here is a heartfelt look at some of the ways narcissistic abuse can impact an individual. These effects run deep, often leaving invisible scars that take time to heal. It’s important to acknowledge the pain and complexity of these experiences, but also to hold onto hope—healing is possible, and recovery can lead to profound personal growth and resilience.
Self-Identity
After enduring narcissistic abuse, survivors sense of self becomes fragile and unclear. Constant manipulation and criticism made them question their worth, abilities, and reality. They lost touch with themselves, tangled in meeting someone else’s shifting expectations. Rebuilding their identity has been a challenging journey of rediscovering their values, strengths, and boundaries.
Core Beliefs
The most challenging aspect of recovering from narcissistic abuse is overcoming the damaging core beliefs instilled by your abuser. These may include feeling unworthy, unlovable, and constantly seeking external validation.
World Views
Experiencing narcissistic abuse can profoundly alter the way you view the world and people. You may begin to see relationships as inherently unsafe, approaching new connections with heightened suspicion or fear of being hurt again.
Dissociation
Narcissistic abuse often leads to dissociation, a coping mechanism that allows victims to mentally detach from overwhelming emotional pain. Dissociation can manifest in various ways, such as feeling disconnected from one’s own body or emotions, experiencing “blank” moments where time feels lost, or having difficulty fully engaging in the present moment. This detachment can also leave survivors feeling numb, out of touch with reality, or struggling to process their own feelings and experiences. They can be trigger over things unknown to them and what seems minor.
Trauma Bonded
Narcissistic abuse can also lead to a trauma bonded relationship, where the victim becomes dependent on their abuser for validation and love. Even if the person may feel they have been abused, they can struggle greatly from being away from their abuser and experience intense cravings just like an addict would.
Relationships
Relationships with family, friends, and coworkers often change significantly. You may find yourself more guarded, cautious about trusting others, and highly attuned to red flags in behavior. With family and close friends, it can feel harder to open up, as you might fear judgment or disbelief about your experience. Some relationships may even drift apart if they don’t offer the support or understanding you need.
Career
Narcissists often start smear campaigns after a breakup to damage your reputation. They might contact your employer or colleagues with lies to harm your standing at work, creating a hostile environment where you feel isolated or unfairly judged. Some may also disrupt your ability to work by withholding transportation, creating emergencies, or emotionally destabilizing you. They can also turn your support system and others around into their enabling flying monkeys.
Cognitive Ability
Narcissistic abuse can greatly affect cognitive ability. Constant manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional distress often cause confusion, trouble concentrating, and memory issues. Over time, victims may develop “brain fog,” making it hard to think clearly due to stress and self-doubt. This mental strain impacts decision-making, information processing, and trust in one’s own judgment.
Creativity
The fear of judgment or rejection may suppress creative ideas, while the emotional exhaustion from the abuse drains the energy needed for imaginative pursuits. Over time, this can make it difficult to reconnect with your creative passions or trust in your abilities.
Socially
Narcissistic abuse can leave a lasting mark on your social life, making you feel anxious or uneasy in social settings—even if you’re naturally outgoing and love being around people. Sometimes it can be the judgement and shame of seeing others, other times you can develop and hypervigilance and untrusting of others. It can feel as if your body rejects being social.
Physical Health
The ongoing stress and emotional distress caused by narcissistic abuse can also lead to physical health problems. Chronic stress can weaken the immune system, increase blood pressure, and contribute to chronic pain or other physical symptoms. Also can cause insomnia, depression, and anxiety issues.
Emotional Well-being
Narcissistic abuse can have a significant impact on your emotional well-being, causing feelings of worthlessness, shame, anxiety, and depression. You may find it challenging to trust others or form healthy relationships due to the trauma experienced in the past.
Mental Health
After enduring narcissistic abuse, you may develop unhealthy coping mechanisms that can be harmful to your mental and emotional well-being. These may include substance abuse, self-harm, or isolation.
PTSD and Complex PTSD
In severe cases, victims of narcissistic abuse may develop Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and/or Complex PTSD. These conditions can cause flashbacks, nightmares, and intense feelings of fear and anxiety that impact daily life.
Final Thoughts
My heart truly goes out to anyone who has experienced emotional or narcissistic abuse. Both are deeply painful, and I would never want to downplay the impact of emotional abuse. However, it’s important to recognize that there’s a distinction between the two, and understanding that can make a world of difference in your healing journey and even in therapy. I hope the emotional abuse test and information on narcissistic abuse has brought you some needed clarity.
