Survivors of abusive relationships are frequently told they must “forgive and forget” in order to heal. They’re reminded that healing is for their own sake, not the abuser’s. Worse still, they’re sometimes met with dismissive phrases like, “Everyone makes mistakes—just move on.”
This is some of the worst advice you can give to a trauma victim. Not only does it risk re-traumatizing them, but it can also be incredibly dangerous and even life-threatening.
If you’re a survivor, I’m so glad you’re here. I want to share some powerful insights that might be new to you—truths that can help guide and empower you on your healing journey.
Let’s dive into this together. I believe you should hear this.
The Pressure To Forgive And Forget
Survivors face intense pressure to forgive those who hurt them, while far less focus is given to holding the abuser accountable for their actions.
Once a survivor finally opens up and talks about the abuse, their feelings and trauma seem to be minimized and they are told to focus on forgiveness as it will set them free.
There’s a few reasons people are giving you this advice:
They Don’t Know Abuse Is Involved
Sometimes, well-meaning people might offer advice like “forgive and forget,” not realizing the depth of pain or the complexities of your situation. They may not understand that what you’re experiencing—whether it’s control, intimidation, manipulation, or feelings of worthlessness—is abuse.
You yourself may not even fully recognize it yet, and that’s not uncommon. Abuse can be subtle, insidious, and difficult to name. It can leave you feeling confused, like you’re overreacting or misunderstanding what’s happening.
They Are Not Trauma Informed
The main reason is that this person doesn’t really understand things like gaslighting, narcissistic abuse, trauma bonds, or complex PTSD. They’re not trauma-informed and think forgiveness is the answer. Their intentions might be good, but this kind of advice can come from anyone—even a therapist, counselor, friend, or loved one.
They’ve Had Success With Forgiveness
Another reason is that they have seen success in forgiving someone who hurt them. They may believe that if it worked for them, it will work for you too. However, every person and every experience is unique, and what works for one survivor may not work for another. Forgiveness can be transformative for some, but it’s important to acknowledge that it doesn’t work for everyone—just like many things in life.
They Want To Avoid Confrontation
Another reason people may push you to forgive and forget is that they’re uncomfortable with confrontation. By telling you to “just forgive,” they’re dismissing or ignoring your pain in order to avoid any discomfort they may feel or the consequences of accepting the truth.
They Want To Protect The Abuser
Sadly, some people may also push the “forgive and forget” narrative to protect the abuser. They may have a personal relationship with the abuser or fear repercussions if they speak out against them.
They Are The Abuser
Lastly, there are those who may push forgiveness because they are the abuser. They may want to manipulate and control you by convincing you to forgive them and continue the cycle of abuse.
Within religion, this can occur when individuals seeking control manipulate others by distorting Scripture and twisting theology to justify their actions and enforce victim’s silence.
Dangerous For Abuse Survivors
Regardless of the reasons behind it, pushing forgiveness onto abuse survivors can be dangerous. It invalidates their pain and minimizes the severity of the abuse they have endured and can even cause them to experience more abuse and trauma.
Forgiveness as a Tool for Abuse
Forgiveness can tragically become a weapon in the hands of an abuser. By pressuring a victim to forgive, an abuser may manipulate the relationship dynamic to regain control and perpetuate the cycle of harm. This narrative of forgiveness can create a false sense of resolution, pushing victims to dismiss or overlook their own pain while continuing to endure the abuse.
“Narcissists will take your forgiveness and use it as a weapon against you.”
Research has shown that spouses who forgave their abusers were more likely to experience ongoing physical and psychological aggression. The environment in which such individuals find themselves is neither safe nor conducive to genuine emotional healing, yet they are often made to feel that forgiveness is their only option.
Prolonged Suffering And Too Often Fatal
This misuse of forgiveness can have fatal consequences. Many victims, encouraged to forgive someone who hurts them stay in their abusive relationships, tragically experienced prolonged suffering, with some losing their lives to escalating violence.
Forgiveness in this context shifts the focus away from the victim’s safety and well-being, placing them in prolonged danger. Survivors of abuse need to prioritize their own safety and emotional recovery, rather than being pressured into premature forgiveness, which only empowers the abuser and risks further harm.
Brainwashing And Dissociation
Some survivors have endured narcissistic abuse, a form of abuse that includes domestic violence, psychological manipulation, emotional abuse, and brainwashing. Over time, this abuse reshapes their thoughts and perceptions, engineered by the narcissistic abuser. Victims may lose their sense of self, adopting the traits and perspectives of their abuser. They can begin to feel like a shell of the person they once were, moving through life robotically, disconnected from their true identity.
It can cause dissociation, a coping mechanism that helps victims mentally detach from intense emotional pain to endure their environment. Dissociation can appear as feeling disconnected from one’s body or emotions, experiencing blank moments where time feels lost, or struggling to stay present. This detachment can leave survivors feeling numb, out of touch with reality, or unable to process their feelings and experiences.
Trauma-Bonded And Struggling to Leave
A trauma bond can deeply entangle survivors, binding them emotionally to their abuser in ways that feel impossible to break. This bond often forms as a result of a cycle of abuse and intermittent reinforcement, where harsh treatment is followed by moments of affection or remorse.
Survivors may struggle with cognitive dissonance, feeling torn between the reality of the abuse and the longing to hold onto the belief that the abuser can change or is inherently good. When told to “forgive” their abuser, survivors can experience intense cravings to reconcile, driven by this dissonance and the hope of returning to those fleeting moments of kindness.
These cravings align with a desperate need to resolve internal conflict – if they can believe the abuser is truly good or capable of change, it offers temporary relief from the mental turmoil.
Unfortunately, this leads many survivors to return multiple times, clinging to the illusion of love while enduring the cycle of harm all over again.
Hindering Healing and Triggering Trauma
Forcing someone to believe they must “forgive and forget” the abuse can profoundly hinder the healing process and even re-traumatize survivors.
Forgiveness, when imposed, shifts the focus away from the survivor’s pain and places undue pressure on them to prioritize the abuser’s redemption. This demand can invalidate the survivor’s experiences, making them feel as though their suffering is dismissed or their emotions are unjustified.
It fosters a silencing of their grief and anger, emotions that are crucial to recognize and process as part of healing.
Furthermore, being pressured to forgive can trigger memories of past manipulation, where their feelings were disregarded in favor of the abuser’s needs or narrative, compounding the emotional harm.
Healing requires creating a safe space where survivors feel empowered to set boundaries, honor their emotions, and move forward on their own terms—not on the terms dictated by societal expectations or external pressures.
Encourages Victims To Stay Silent
Enforcing forgiveness can also discourage survivors from speaking out and seeking help.
When society prioritizes the image of harmony over acknowledging and addressing abuse, it perpetuates a culture of silence and victim-blaming.
Survivors may fear further judgment or backlash if they break this facade by speaking about their experiences or leaving their abuser. As a result, many suffer in isolation, afraid to seek support or expose their abuser’s actions.
Moreover, pressuring victims to forgive can send the message that their pain is only valid if they reach a certain level of forgiveness towards their abuser. This mindset invalidates the complexity of trauma and ignores the fact that healing is not linear—forgiveness does not always equal healing and moving on.
Instead, it is important to create a supportive environment where survivors feel comfortable speaking out, seeking help, and processing their emotions without fear of judgment or pressure to forgive.
Do I have to forgive my abuser in order to heal?
Research indicates that forgiveness can sometimes be associated with better mental health outcomes, such as reduced anxiety, depression, and stress. This is because forgiveness, when done authentically and at one’s own pace, can serve as a way to release anger and resentment, fostering a sense of inner peace.
However, it is important to note that there is no statistical evidence proving that forgiveness is an essential component of recovery from trauma. Healing looks different for everyone, and countless survivors find ways to rebuild their lives without forgiving those who caused them harm. Many even transform their pain into purpose, channeling their experiences into advocacy, support for others, or creative outlets that inspire and uplift. Living a fulfilling life after trauma does not hinge on the ability to forgive—it hinges on reclaiming ownership of your story and forging a path that feels true and empowering to you.
Is it okay to forgive my abuser?
Yes, of course. Forgiveness is a deeply personal choice and is never a requirement for healing. Many people have chosen to forgive their abuser, and research shows that this can sometimes have positive effects on mental health, such as reducing feelings of anger and fostering emotional relief.
For some, forgiveness creates space to focus on their own healing and growth rather than holding onto the pain caused by others.
However, it’s crucial to emphasize that choosing to forgive is entirely up to you and should only be done if it feels right for your unique journey. There is no singular path to recovery—whether or not you forgive, your healing is valid and important.
What does forgiveness mean?
Forgiveness is often misunderstood as excusing or condoning the actions of those who have caused harm. In reality, forgiveness is a conscious and intentional decision to let go of feelings of resentment, anger, or revenge towards someone who has hurt you.
Forgiveness is a deeply personal journey that does not depend on the involvement or awareness of the one who caused harm. It doesn’t require reconciliation or forgetting anything you’ve endured. Instead, it’s about finding peace within yourself.
A Message To Survivors
What I have found in my journey toward healing, and what I observe in many others who I’ve worked with, is that the process is often more about learning to forgive yourself.
We tend to carry heavy burdens of shame, guilt, and self-blame—blaming ourselves for staying in harmful situations too long, for not being strong enough to leave sooner, feeling wrong for having children with someone who was abusive, or for losing the ability to trust our own instincts.
These feelings can weigh us down, making it difficult to move forward, but true healing begins when we start to release ourselves from this self-judgment. Forgiveness is not about excusing the pain we endured; it’s about freeing ourselves from the chains of regret and reclaiming our power.
