The altruistic narcissist, also known as the communal or benevolent narcissist, presents themselves as one of the most caring individuals in the community. They are frequently involved in charitable activities, active church members, and dedicated to various causes. They lavishly gift others and often volunteer at soup kitchens.
So, what’s the harm, they sound amazing? Can a narcissist be a good person?
It’s a clever disguise for their narcissistic tendencies. The altruistic narcissist, despite appearing selfless, remains entitled, calculating, and in constant need of validation.
They successfully deceive most people by projecting an image of altruism.
However, they are as toxic as any other narcissist, with those closest to them bearing the brunt of their behavior.
Their altruism is an investment to their character and secret agenda and you better believe they expect an ROI (return on investment).
Define Altruistic Behavior vs Narcissism
Let’s first understand the difference between altruistic and narcissism.
The altruistic meaning is defined as any action or behavior that is done with the intention of helping others, without expecting anything in return. It is a selfless act driven by empathy and compassion for others.
On the other hand, narcissism is characterized by a sense of self-importance, excessive need for admiration and lack of empathy. A narcissist may have an inflated ego and constantly seek validation and praise from others. They often prioritize their own needs above those of others, leading to selfish behavior.
While it may seem oxymoronic, there are indeed people who are pathological narcissist that practice altruism in their dealing with people as a tool to pacify their narcissism.
Public displays of Kindness
Unlike genuine altruistic people, the narcissist is doing what any narcissists does, seeks validation and as driven by ego. Altruism is a covert way of getting that validation.
A narcissist will often go above and beyond to showcase their generosity and selflessness in public. They may donate large sums of money, volunteer for high-profile events, or make grand gestures that are highly visible to others.
These public displays of kindness are not driven by a genuine desire to help others, but rather as a way to boost their own ego and gain admiration from others.
This validates their false self to great measures.
These actions may also serve as a distraction from their negative traits and behavior, making them appear more favorable to the public eye. However, behind closed doors, the true intentions and motivations of an altruistic narcissist become apparent.
Manipulation To Leverage Obligation
While an altruistic narcissist may seem kind and giving on the surface, their actions may be driven by manipulative tactics.
They may use generosity and acts of kindness as a means of gaining control over others or getting what they want. For example, a narcissist may offer to do something for someone else, but then use that favor as leverage to get something in return.
This type of behavior is not driven by true altruism, but rather by the need for power and control.
Altruistic Services
This combination of selflessness and self-centeredness can manifest in different ways, resulting in four different types of altruistic services.
Martyr
One type of altruistic narcissist is the martyr. These individuals see themselves as victims and sacrifice their own needs and wants for the sake of others. They may constantly put themselves last and take on more responsibilities than they can handle, all while seeking pity and admiration from those around them. The martyr’s actions may seem noble at first glance, but they often come at the cost of their own well-being.
Hero or Rescuer
Another type is the hero or rescuer. These individuals have a strong need to save and fix others, often going above and beyond to solve other people’s problems. They may see themselves as the only ones capable of helping and take on a savior role in relationships. However, this can also lead to a sense of superiority and control over those they are trying to help.
Giver
The giver is another type of altruistic narcissist who constantly seeks approval and validation through acts of generosity. They may give gifts or do favors for others, expecting recognition and admiration in return. However, their giving may also come with a sense of obligation and the need for others to reciprocate, leading to disappointment and resentment if they don’t receive the desired response
Saint
The final type is the saint. These individuals have a strong moral code and causes . They may see themselves as selfless and above ordinary human needs or desires. They also feel superior and judge other harshly or become competitive with others.
It’s important to note that these types are not mutually exclusive, and an altruistic narcissist may exhibit traits from multiple categories. Additionally, their behavior may vary depending on the situation and people involved.
Emotional Outbursts
One of the most confusing aspects of being in a relationship with an altruistic narcissist is their tendency to rage unexpectedly. This can feel very Jekyll and Hyde.
During an outburst, they can appear just like any other narcissist. They can be cold, give you the silent treatment, become physically and emotionally abusive, and turn others against you.
This outburst can be shocking and may leave you feeling confused and hurt. It’s important to understand that this behavior is a manipulation tactic used by the narcissist to maintain power and control in the relationship.
When they rage at you, it may cause cognitive dissonance – a state of conflicting thoughts and emotions.
On one hand, you may still hold onto the image of them as a caring and selfless individual, while on the other hand, their rageful behavior contradicts this belief.
This inner conflict can be emotionally draining and may lead to feelings of guilt, self-doubt, and even trauma.
One of the most invalidating aspects is the lack of support. Others often assume you’re just being sensitive or not giving them the benefit of the doubt because everyone else believes the public persona they present.
Signs To Look For
An altruistic narcissist is a person who combines traits of both selflessness and self-centeredness. Though they may appear caring and generous, their actions often have hidden motives.
Here are some signs to look for:
Always Seeking Recognition
A defining trait of an altruistic narcissist is their relentless quest for recognition. External validation acts as their lifeline, invigorating their existence and bolstering their fragile self-esteem. Moreover, it fuels their sense of narcissist superiority over others.
This constant need for recognition can be exhausting for both the altruistic narcissist themselves, as well as those around them. It can create a toxic dynamic where their actions are not truly altruistic, but rather self-serving.
Difficulty Accepting Criticism
Another common trait of an altruistic narcissist is their inability to accept criticism. While they may seem selfless and humble on the surface, any critique or feedback threatens their carefully crafted image. They may become defensive, dismissive, or even hostile when faced with criticism.
This difficulty in accepting feedback can also lead to manipulation and gaslighting. The altruistic narcissist may twist the situation to make it seem like they are always in the right and portray themselves as victims.
Need for Control
Altruistic narcissists also have a strong desire for control over others. They may use their acts of kindness and generosity as a means to gain power and influence over those around them. By being seen as selfless and caring, they can manipulate others into doing what they want.
This need for control can manifest in various ways, from micromanaging tasks to dictating how others should live their lives. It can be harmful not only to the people around them but also to the narcissist themselves, as it hinders their ability to form genuine connections with others.
Obsessed with their image
They are also obsessed with their image. They want to be seen as the epitome of selflessness and kindness, and will often go to great lengths to maintain this facade.
One way they do this is by constantly publicizing their good deeds on social media. Instead of genuinely wanting to help others, they may be more focused on how their actions make them appear in the eyes of others.
Offers Selective Empathy
Altruistic narcissists may also offer empathy selectively. They may only show concern and compassion to those they feel can benefit them in some way, such as gaining social status or forming a strategic relationship.
At the same time, they may appear callous and indifferent to the struggles of others who they see as beneath them. This selective empathy further reinforces their desire for control and validation, rather than truly caring for others’ well-being.
Public vs Private Behaviors
Examine the contrast between their public and private behaviors. In public, they present themselves as caring, loving, and generous individuals, often going out of their way to help others and displaying acts of kindness that earn them admiration and respect.
They seem genuinely concerned about the well-being of those around them, participating in charitable activities and offering support to friends and strangers alike.
However, in private, a different picture emerges.
Behind closed doors, they may lack empathy and show a disregard for the feelings and needs of others, treating those around them with indifference or even cruelty.
Their behavior can become unpredictable and harsh, exhibiting abusive tendencies towards those closest to them. This creates a troubling dichotomy between their public persona and private actions.
Parenthood
Parenthood is particularly appealing to an altruistic narcissist as it provides the opportunity to showcase their perceived superior caregiving skills to those around them.
They often relish in the chance to demonstrate their nurturing abilities, drawing admiration from others for their apparent selflessness.
The child’s natural dependency allows them to exert control over various aspects of the child’s life, creating a dynamic where compliance is expected.
This control can sometimes extend to punishing the child if any form of disobedience occurs, reinforcing the narcissist’s sense of authority and superiority.
Through this relationship, they gain not only fulfillment from their role but also validation from their social circle, enhancing their public image as devoted caretakers.
They may also struggle with providing emotionally healthy guidance as they themselves lack empathy and understanding.
This can have detrimental effects on both the child and the parent-child relationship.
Children raised by altruistic narcissists may struggle with self-esteem issues and feelings of inadequacy due to constantly trying to meet their parent’s high standards and seeking their approval.
Romantic Relationships
In romantic relationships, altruistic narcissists may appear self-sacrificing and devoted at first. However, as the relationship progresses, their true nature may begin to surface.
They may become controlling and possessive, expecting their partner to conform to their ideals and constantly seeking validation from them.
Their lack of empathy can also lead to difficulties in understanding and meeting their partner’s emotional needs, causing tension in the relationship.
Moreover, they may experience intense jealousy towards any potential threats to their perceived image or control over the relationship. This can manifest in manipulation and gaslighting tactics to maintain their sense of power.
Friendships
Altruistic narcissists may cultivate a circle of friends who admire and praise them, providing them with a constant source of validation.
However, these friendships may also be one-sided, with the narcissist dominating conversations and seeking attention and admiration from their friends.
They may also struggle with genuine empathy and understanding for their friends’ problems, causing strain in the relationship.
Additionally, altruistic narcissists may use their friends as a means to boost their own public image by associating themselves with successful or influential individuals.
Cheating And Sexual Addiction
Altruistic narcissists often have hidden motives that revolve around their own self-image and gratification. One common trait among these individuals is their tendency towards promiscuity or sexual addiction.
Despite portraying themselves as selfless and empathetic, altruistic narcissists may use sex as a means of boosting their ego and maintaining control over others. They often seek out multiple sexual partners to fulfill their constant need for attention and validation.
Their “good” image is a way to lure partners into sexual acts.
Altruistic narcissists may cheat on their partners without feeling any guilt or remorse because they believe they are entitled to do so, it’s feels like a need to them to survive.
Things Altruistic Narcissist Say
Altruistic narcissists may also use manipulation tactics such as gaslighting and guilt-tripping to maintain control over those around them. They may also make grandiose statements about their own selflessness and generosity, while subtly putting down or belittling others.
- “I’m doing this for your own good.”
- “You should be grateful that I’m here to help you.”
- “I sacrifice so much for others, but no one appreciates me.”
- “If you really loved me, you would do what I ask.”
- “I know what’s best for everyone, even if they don’t see it yet.”
- “I’m so selfless, I put others before myself all the time.”
- “I have such a big heart, I can’t help but give and give.”
- “My needs don’t matter, it’s all about helping others.”
- “I’m only successful because I care about others more than myself.”
Final Thoughts
All narcissists experience a profound sense of worthlessness they struggle to acknowledge. To avoid confronting this feeling, they exaggerate their importance and uniqueness, developing a grandiose self-image.
However, this grandiosity isn’t enough to combat their worthlessness. They require others to reinforce this inflated self-view through validation. How they go about getting this validation is what sets them apart.
The altruistic narcissist may appear caring, but upon closer inspection, this is merely a facade. Relationships with this type of narcissists will create cognitive dissonance and trauma bonding.
Trauma bonding is the drug that makes abusive relationships feel like love.
