One of the most destructive behaviors exhibited by narcissists in a relationship is the silent treatment. This is when they refuse to communicate with their partner and completely shut them out, leaving them feeling confused, hurt, and abandoned.
Take note that the silent treatment is neither about taking a cool off period during a heated conversation (the topic will still be discussed) or when a victim of abuse leaves a toxic relationship and goes no contact.
The silent treatment activates similar parts of the brain as physical pain does. This explains why the silent treatment can leave lasting emotional scars on its recipients.
Passive-Aggressive Communication
The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive form of communication where the narcissist deliberately stops talking or refuses to even acknowledge your presence as a way of expressing their displeasure, anger and narcissism.
It is a covert way of inflicting pain on a person without creating any wounds on their body.
It is often used in toxic relationships as a way to remain in control and have power over another person. The narcissists way of saying f* you, you are beneath me, you don’t deserve my attention, correct your behavior and I may talk to you again.
When a narcissist can’t win, they give you the silent treatment.
They may block you on social media, on their phone, and simply ghost you. If they leave for an extended amount of time, it’s likely they are gaining supply from someone else.
Even if they are present in the home with you, they will continue stonewalling you and act as if you are not there. They may even send you a message through other family members to continue reminding you that you are worthy of direct communication.
Someone who uses the silent treatment as a form of covert punishment is emotionally immature and doesn’t know how to handle conflict or discomforts in a healthy manner.
You should have a low level of expectation of this person, as it’s unlikely you will not have an adult to adult conversation.
Why do narcissists give the silent treatment?
Narcissists use the silent treatment simply because it works for them. It all comes down to their need for power and control.
By giving you the silent treatment, they are able to manipulate and control your emotions, exerting influence without having to communicate directly.
Often, the goal is to make you question your own actions and intentions.
Assert Dominance and Control
The silent treatment is not only a form of manipulation, but also a way for narcissists to gain control over their victims. By withholding communication and emotional support, they are able to assert dominance and maintain power in the relationship.
Punishment
Abusers use the silent treatment as a punishment when their expectations are not met or when their authority is challenged. They see themselves as superior and believe that they have the right to dictate how others should behave.
When someone does not comply with their demands, they may resort to using the silent treatment as a way to “teach them a lesson” and show their dominance.
Avoid Accountability
In addition, the silent treatment can also be a way for narcissists to avoid taking accountability for their actions and to disempower you. They are not interested in hearing your perception or opinions because there is no power in that.
By refusing to communicate, they are able to deflect any responsibility and shift the blame onto their victim. This allows them to continue their manipulative behavior without facing any consequences or having difficult conversations.
Victims Sometimes Blame Themselves
It can be difficult to understand why someone would blame themselves for being on the receiving end of a narcissist’s silent treatment.
After all, it is not the victim who is choosing to ignore and manipulate their abuser, but rather the abuser’s own actions.
However, it is important to recognize that victims of narcissistic abuse often internalize the blame and responsibility for their abuser’s behavior.
One reason for this self-blame is because they may have experienced it in their childhood. They may have felt responsible for adult emotions and knew in order to be loved, cared for, or have basic needs met, they could not upset their parents, parents boyfriend or girlfriends or their caretaker. This could lead to people pleasing behaviors.
Another reason for this self-blame may be due to a lack of understanding about narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Many victims are unaware that they are dealing with a narcissist until much later in the relationship, when the damage has already been done.
They may have believed that they were at fault for not being able to please or satisfy their partner, not realizing that it was an impossible task from the beginning due to the narcissist’s insatiable need for control and validation.
Additionally, narcissists are skilled at manipulating and gaslighting their victims into believing that they are the problem. They may project their own flaws onto their victim, causing them to question their own thoughts, feelings, and actions. This constant self-doubt can lead victims to believe that they are the cause of the silent treatment and other forms of emotional abuse.
“Even a brief silent treatment is enough to activate the anterior cingulate cortex which is the part of the brain that detects physical pain.”
Silent Treatment is Emotional Abuse
Kipling Williams, a professor at Purdue University, has extensively studied the effects of the silent treatment and ostracism on individuals.
In his research, he found that being ignored or excluded by others can cause significant emotional distress and feelings of worthlessness.
This is especially true when the silent treatment is used by someone in a close relationship, like a romantic partner or family member. It can lead to feelings of isolation, crushing anxiety, and self-doubt.
Furthermore, Williams’ studies have shown that the silent treatment activates similar parts of the brain as physical pain does. This means that being ignored by someone we care about can be just as painful as physical harm.
This explains why the silent treatment can leave lasting emotional scars on its recipients.
The Anterior Cingulate Cortex
The anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) is a region of the brain that has been linked to social pain and feelings of rejection. In the case of the silent treatment, this area becomes activated when someone is being ignored or excluded by others, leading to feelings of emotional distress.
Furthermore, studies have shown that the ACC may also be involved in regulating emotions and detecting social cues. This could explain why individuals who experience the silent treatment often feel a sense of confusion and uncertainty about their relationship with the person giving them the cold shoulder.
Knowing about the involvement of the ACC in the silent treatment can help us understand why it can be so damaging to our emotional well-being. It’s not just a simple case of being ignored, but rather a deep emotional wound caused by the rejection and lack of communication in a relationship.
Prolonged Duration
The duration of the silent treatment varies based on circumstances, lasting from a few hours to days, weeks, or even months.
This extended period of emotional isolation and lack of communication is a calculated effort to inflict pain.
Over time, they expect you to understand their message, as it has proven effective for them with others in the past.
The narcissist decides when the silent treatment ends, often shifting the goalposts and watching you struggle to engage them in conversation.
The impact on the victim’s mental health can be profound. This is abuse.
Conditional Renewed Engagement
It’s important to recognize that their renewed engagement is often conditional.
They will expect that the reason why they began the silent treatment should be remedied by you. Maybe that is to comply with their wishes, abandon the issue you raised, or stop hanging out with your friends.
This helps the narcissist to train their partners through punishment and reward and reinforces the power imbalances in the relationship.
Permanent Discard
While the silent treatment could be this ongoing cycle in a narcissistic relationship, it can also be used to discard the relationship permanently.
Perhaps there is a new supply that doesn’t know “too much,” or in their eyes you are starting to hold too much power in the relationship, maybe even expose them.
Narcissists look at people as objects and relationships as transactions. When you are no longer relevant to their pathological needs, they will discard you and act as if you never existed.
Don’t be surprised if they circle back around once supply gets low, especially if they are a covert vulnerable narcissist.
How To Deal With The Silent Treatment
The pathological narcissist wants to see you emotionally distraught and begging them to stop the silent treatment.
- Don’t post indirect messages to the narcissist on what they are doing or how you feel
- Don’t chase after the narcissist or stalk them on social media
- Don’t ask others to give you intel on what the narc is doing
- Don’t apologize for things you didn’t do just to please them
- Don’t bed for their love and attention
- Don’t coddle the abuser
- Don’t ask defensive questions
- You are not dealing with a healthy human and doing things will only keep you in the cycle of emotional and psychological abuse.
What Can You Do?
Navigating the aftermath of the silent treatment can be an overwhelming and isolating experience. When used by narcissists, this form of emotional manipulation leaves deep psychological scars.
However, understanding and countering these effects are essential steps towards healing and self-empowerment.
Here, we explore practical strategies to rebuild your self-esteem, establish healthy boundaries, and seek the support you need to emerge stronger.
Recognizing Toxic Patterns
The first step in protecting yourself is recognizing the patterns of manipulation. Awareness is a powerful tool that can help you distance yourself emotionally from the tactics used by a narcissist.
Take note of the triggers and cycles that precede the silent treatment, allowing you to anticipate and manage your responses proactively.
Setting Boundaries
Establishing firm boundaries is crucial in any healthy relationship, but it becomes indispensable when dealing with narcissistic behavior.
Boundaries are about protecting your emotional space and ensuring your well-being is prioritized.
Remember, boundaries are not about changing the other person’s behavior, but about taking control of your own reactions and protecting yourself from harm.
Create Exit Plan
If you are married, live with or share children or a business with a narcissist you will need a plan (especially if you have children.) I work with parents that have spent months even years preparing to leave an abusive relationship.
Sometimes, it takes them that long to put everything in place considering once they leave, the abuse tends to get worse and the family court system is not a place where most parents or children are protected.
Rebuilding Self-Esteem
The silent treatment can erode your sense of self-worth, making it essential to invest time in rebuilding your self-esteem.
Engage in activities that reinforce your strengths and passions. Whether it’s through creative outlets, exercise, or mindfulness practices, nurturing your interests can restore your confidence and remind you of your intrinsic value.
The Role of Therapy
Professional support is invaluable in healing from the emotional wounds inflicted by the silent treatment. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore your feelings, understand the dynamics at play, and develop coping strategies tailored to your needs.
We have partnered with BetterHelp, which offers affordable mental health support for those dealing toxic or narcissistic relationships, experiencing PTSD, or recovering from gaslighting and emotional abuse.
Get matched with a therapist for online therapy
Healing from emotional abuse is a journey of self-discovery and growth. By implementing these strategies, you not only protect your emotional well-being but also foster a future where healthy, respectful relationships can flourish.
Remember, while the path may be challenging, every step you take is a testament to your resilience and capacity for healing.
Final Thoughts
You don’t deserve the silent treatment and if you take a look at how you changed since being in a relationship with a pathological narcissist, you may see a completely different person. You may have given up everything you have loved.
Treating you as if you don’t exist is a power move. This is abuse. It’s a form of domestic violence.
In these moments of reflection and growth, remind yourself (or even learn) that you are deserving of love, respect, and communication.
You are not here by accident, it’s time to prioritize you and do the work to heal.
