My mother is extremely abusive. She is older and needs caretaking, but I’m struggling emotionally. She is able to go to a nursing home, but that makes me feel terrible and like I don’t appreciate her as my mother. I don’t want her to pass away and have that guilt that I just sent her off to a home-like and ungrateful child. Most days, I feel like I can’t take any more of this. I want her in my life. I need some advice.
The relationship you have with your mother seems to be mostly or all negative in the current circumstances and is taking its toll on you.
Perhaps you can consider allowing someone who is trained and has a great reputation to take care of her. They won’t have the emotional attachment or history you do, but can still exhibit empathy towards her and take good care of her. And you may be able to get someone to come to your home as well if that works better for you.
You could then create a more positive experience between you and your mother by blocking out time to be with her This could be 30 minutes every morning and evening, this could be an hour a day, this could be several times a week. Or you may notice some activities you enjoy doing with her and want to take part in the caretaking. And you may be able to increase the amount of time.
You might have to tweak it as you go along. You might notice your evening time with her is more positive and want to spend more time in the evening with her, or after she eats her lunch she more comfortable. Whatever works for the two of you.
Also, focus on your self-love and care. Healing can also create positive and healthier shifts in your relationship with her.
This will allow you to create a more positive relationship with your mother while her needs are still being met with a caretaker.